Unintended Cultivator

V2 Bloopers

Zhu Fen had been on the receiving end of killing intent before. At least, she thought she had. The sect had all their disciples train against it with those of a higher cultivation stage, just to prepare them for the possibility. The sheer weight of the killing intent that landed on her in that moment wasn’t simply vast, it was beyond overwhelming. By itself, that would have been enough. Of course, that wasn’t how it worked. The dread was already coursing through her when the sense of his killing intent blazed through her mind. And it was terrifying. It was a world of shadow, flame, towering edifices of stone, and blades so sharp that they could cleave mind from body or soul from fate. And, as consciousness faded, Zhu Fen heard the wandering cultivator speak.

“Oh crap.”

Then, Zhu Fen exploded.

***

So, he let the lightning qi build up in strength until it was where he wanted it and let it seep into the jian blade. While he couldn’t see in the blanket of shadow, he could feel it, could hear that subtle crackling around the blade. Then, he slowly started fusing his killing intent into the technique. Sen assumed that he’d need about half of his killing intent, enough to balance the lightning. Yet, it took far, far less than that before he felt the technique lock together into something he could control and direct. Up until that moment, he’d largely shared Master Feng’s belief that giving everything a name was absurd. Yet, this felt different, special somehow. Sen had no intention of yelling the name at every opponent he met as though he was a toddler who needed a reminder of what he was doing. But it was something he could call the technique in his own head or pull out for special occasions.

He pointed the jian at the spot where Cai Yuze’s personal bubble of control sat. Then, Sen let the shadow technique drop. Cai Yuze was facing in the opposite direction, his head whipping back and forth to try to find Sen. When Sen used lightning, it usually had a blue-white color or, occasionally, a yellowish cast. The lightning arcing around his blade this time was pitch black. Sen couldn’t be entirely sure, but he thought it gave off a kind of purple tinge around the edges. Cai Yuze finally spun to face Sen. The man’s eyes locked on Sen’s jian, on the technique that crackled around it, and he started to say or scream something. Sen never did learn what. Sen lifted the Jian toward the sky and unleashed his will with a cry of…

“Death From Above!”

There was a terrible groaning, as though the technique had strained reality itself. Then, with the beat of mighty wings, a bird made of celestial light descended on Cai Yuze and pecked him to death.

Sen sniffed in derision and said, “No one expects the Celestial Doom Chicken.”

***

“You should at least let that ox eat something,” said Sen.

“Yahhhhhh,” cried Bigan, falling over and scrambling away on all fours. “Where in all the hells did you come from? Are you a devil?”

Sen lifted an eyebrow at the young man. Did this guy actually convince some girl to marry him, thought Sen. As unlikely as it seemed, the uncle had seemed quite certain about it. When the young man just kept staring at him with half-terrified eyes, Sen walked over to the ox. The beast noticed him, and Sen watched as the sad look was replaced with a more hopeful one. He didn’t know a lot about oxen, but he’d paid attention while he’d been with the caravan. He had the harness untied and nearly off the beast before the kid found his voice.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

The ox snorted and, with a start, Sen felt a massive surge of qi from the beast. It glared at Bigan and let out a moo that split the earth. With a wide-eyed yelp, Bigan fell into a freshly opened cavern. Before Sen could even go and look into the cavern, it snapped shut. Sen looked over his shoulder to see the ox smashing the cart into tiny pieces. With each blow, Sen saw a transcendent light rise from the splinters and, faintly, so faintly, a distant moo of relief. When it was done, the ox turned to Sen with an air of infinite dignity.

“Brave cultivator, I must thank you for freeing me from the devil Bigan and his infamous Cart of Eternal Servitude. All of oxen-kind are forever in your debt. Now, come with me, and I will teach you a technique worthy of your honor. The Heavenly Oxen Horn Strike.”

For a second, Sen hesitated, but he felt a sense of karmic rightness settle around him, as though he’d evaded some terrible and onerous task. Plus, he wasn’t going to dig that annoying kid up.

***

“That may be my fault,” said Luo Min from behind him.

He glanced over his shoulder to see Luo Min’s nervous eyes on him. She looked down when he looked back at her.

“Your fault? How is it your fault?”

“When I went to get food, I may have said something about how you saved Mother from death.”

Sen didn’t groan out loud, but he did let himself take a deep breath. Then, he looked down at the goose that was passively sitting in the crook of his arm. It had been the only payment the old woman who had just left could reasonably afford. Sen had been wondering what he was going to do with a goose, and now he knew.

“I see,” said Sen, and then he handed the bird over to the startled young woman. “Your rumor, your responsibility. Enjoy your goose.”

The very second the bird left his hands, it went wild. Honking and biting at Luo Min. In a state of pure calm, Sen went inside, while Luo Min fled, screaming and shrieking, from the furious demonic spirit beast goose.

***

Sen did not want to fight this spirit beast for more than one reason, so he tried again. “As I said, if there is a quarrel between us, I will do my best to make amends.”

The beast approached him, slowly, and walked around Sen, as though it were as curious about Sen as Sen was about it. It finally spoke.

“I believe you, little human. You could have taken what passes for human riches from these buildings with none to see or know. You didn’t. Human honor is a pale thing, but you seem to possess it. Sadly, the quarrel is not between us.”

“Then, who is the quarrel between?”

“Your kind and my kind. Humans and spirit beasts. You hunt us, kill us, take our cores. For all things, there must be a balance.”

Those words resonated inside Sen. His whole journey as a cultivator had been a stumbling, inelegant attempt to find balance, within and without. He had just never considered that such things might play out on a stage as big as the world itself. Nor had he ever considered that he might end up as one of the dead in that large-scale attempt at rebalancing. Still, he supposed there was a kind of balance in that as well. How many spirit beasts had he personally killed up on the mountain? How many had he helped kill on the way to Tide’s Rest? The numbers were uncomfortably high.

“So, what will you do now?” Sen asked, both wanting and not wanting to know.

“I cannot stop what happens inside these walls. But I need not participate directly. If you can escape my brethren and get beyond the town walls, I will let you go.”

“Or,” said Sen, thinking fast, “I could flip you for it.”

“Flip me for it?” asked the perplexed Boulder’s Shadow.

“Heads you let me go, tails I accept my grisly fate?”

Boulder’s Shadow seemed to think it over. Then, he shrugged. “Okay.”

Sen found a coin in one of his pockets and showed it to the panther-man. Satisfied that the coin was unaltered, Boulder’s Shadow nodded. Sen flipped the coin in the air, confident that the gods were on his side. The coin landed, bounced once, and came to a stop. Sen couldn’t believe it.

He hurriedly started to say, “Best two out of…arghhghh.”

***

Feeling that they had accomplished all that they were going to accomplish, Sen stood to leave. Elder He raised a hand to stop him.

“A personal question, if I might?” asked Elder He.

“Alright,” said Sen, suddenly wary.

“Are you a student of Kho Jaw-Long?”

An impish impulse took Sen, and he shook his head. “No.”

“Oh, I see. It was a matter of some speculation.”

“No, Uncle Kho only taught me the spear. My true master is Feng Ming.”

Elder He blanched at those words and there was a strange sound from the man’s stomach. Sen felt a little bad about his joke. He was about to apologize when he noticed that the elder was no longer sitting quite so comfortably.

“Are you alright, Elder He?” Sen asked.

“I’m,” the Elder shifted on his chair again, “I’m fine.”

“If you say so. So, listen, I thought of something else you could,” Sen paused and sniffed the air. “Do you smell that?”

Elder He shot to his feet and began backing out of the room. “Forgiveness. I will return in an hour. I just recalled some pressing business I forgot.”

Sen watched as the elder fled the room. “What a weird guy.”

***

Falling Leaf understood that any hesitation, any slackening of her will would mean death, or something truly grotesque. There was nowhere to go but forward. So, she pushed, willing the change, willing her body to become something other than it had been, something that could pass among the humans. She endured the pain, endured the fire, and eventually, when all thought had been consumed in the inferno, she simply endured. Then, as abruptly as it had all started, it was over. It was all she could do to keep breathing. Breathing felt wrong. Everything felt wrong. Her body was wrong. Nothing moved the way it should. She couldn’t smell everything anymore. Her vision was blurry, and she couldn’t seem to focus her eyes. She felt deaf. What if it didn’t work, she thought in horror.

The Feng’s tired, paternal voice said, “Why in the world would you want to turn yourself into a giant frog?”

Falling Leaf opened her mouth to protest, but all that came out was, “Ribbit.”

***

This Ends Unintended Cultivator, Vol. 2.

Sen and company will return in Unintended Cultivator, Vol. 3.