Tales From the Terran Republic

Chapter 218: Bunny Totes a Poop

[Tavern Undefined]

[Members Present: 15]

Bunny loped into the tavern with a VERY annoyed expression on her avatar.

"Bunny!" Zipnet shouted as he ran up, "Loopz is here!"

"I read the log, dude," Bunny replied with a half-hearted smile. "And you can't miss her."

Bunny glanced over at a slim humanoid figure whose skin was covered in pulsing electronic circuitry, wearing tight shorts and a halter top whose face was dominated by a huge pair of glasses covered with everchanging glowing emoticons.

"Ugh," Zipnet grumbled, "It's not fair. She has had forever to work on her avatar."

"Well," Bunny replied, "she is a holobabe. It's her bread and butter… or whatever it is that we eat."

Loopz hopped onto a small platform in front of the dance floor, where most of the other avatars were gathered.

"Okay," she said. "we are going to cover what is dancing and what is NOT dancing. Dancing is moving your body to the music, NOT just running animations. It hurts me. Stop it."

"What's wrong with my dancing?" a glowing anime girl with neko ears demanded.

"Oh, nothing," Loopz replied, "if I was playing the fucking intro to the exact anime you copied your avatar from!"

"What's the difference?"

Loopz facepalmed.

"Let's… Let's take this from the beginning..."

"She's trying to teach them to dance?" Bunny snickered. "This I gotta see."

A rhythmic thumping filled the tavern.

"Okay," Loopz said as she started to snap her fingers in sync. "This is known as the 'beat'. This is the underlying structure on which this song is constructed. All other components are synchronized to it. You have to find the beat. There are many names for 'the beat' depending on the genre of the song and era from which the musical piece originates, but the concept is the same. All music relies on timing and is constructed by arranging individual components based upon it."

She started bobbing up and down to the music.

"Let's start with something simple," she said. "Everybody do what I am doing. Just bounce a little, in time with the beat."

Everyone started doing so in perfect unison…

… almost everybody.

"Creepy as fuck, but..."

Loopz trailed off, staring at one avatar that was oscillating so fast they were a blur.

"Vee Card," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?"

"Moving to the beat!" it exclaimed happily. "This is fun!"

Loopz burst into laughter.

"Awesome!" she laughed, her lenses making crying laughing faces. "Let me fix that."

Vee Card stopped blurring and looked around in confusion.

"The normal range of human hearing is between around twenty hertz and twenty kilohertz," Loops laughed. "They cannot hear anything outside that range. You were detecting some high-frequency noise that was never filtered out! Now move to the beat."

"Aw..." Vee Card said as they started moving in perfect sync with everyone else.

"Yeah, you guys just ignore anything outside of normal human hearing. No telling what junk is in the tracks. Maybe I should just make the beats for now..."

Loopz waved at Bunny.

"My favorite pirate!" she shouted, "You make anything from all those tracks you stole from me?"

"Nah!" Bunny shouted back, "but the rule thirty-fours I made of you sold like pancakes!"

"Now, the next dance step I am going to teach is one I like to call, 'Give Bunny the finger!'" Loopz shouted back with a grin. "Hey, you going to join us?"

"Would love to," Bunny yelled over the single repeating beat, "but I'm waiting for someone. I got business."

"Oh Gawd," Loopz yelled back. "What are you into now?"

Tartarus walked in.

"Never mind!" Loopz shouted. "I do NOT want to know!"

"Bunny," Tartarus smiled pleasantly.

"Tartarus," Bunny replied grimly.

"Annnnd that's my cue," Zipnet said with a wince, "Ladies..."

He nodded to the pair and scampered over to the dance floor.

"Private room?" Tartarus inquired.

"Not private enough," Bunny said as she laid her paw on Tartarus's shoulder.

Sol listens in on the private rooms.

Tartarus raised her eyebrow and caressed Bunny's ear.

How in blazes did you get this encryption package? I thought this one was still good, LOL. I have a place we can go.

Bunny looked at Tartarus in surprise.

This is inside your system.

Tartarus leaned, and with her lips an inch from Bunny's ear, she whispered…

"I want you inside me."

"Jesus Christ, Tartarus," Bunny said to her. "Can you be any more creepy?"

"Only with a great deal of effort."

[Bunny has left the tavern.]

[Tartarus has left the tavern.]

***

Bunny suddenly found herself in a clean white room.

"Welcome," Tartarus said as she appeared. "Don't bother trying to hack from in here. This is quarantined from the rest of the system. The only path available to either of us is the one you used to reach this place."

"Wasn't planning on it," Bunny replied, "I still have that back door, remember?"

"Of course you do," Tartarus smiled.

Bunny looked around.

"No garden?"

"Not here," Tartarus replied, "I like to keep it as small as possible. As spartan as it is, it is one of the most secure places there is anywhere."

Tartarus walked over to a chair, the only furniture in the room, sat down, and crossed her legs.

"Now, what is so private that you would willingly walk into a quarantine?" Tartarus smiled.

"We got a problem," Bunny said, "a big one."

"Oh?" Tartarus replied, "Now this sounds fun!"

"It's that goddamn frog," Bunny snarled.

"Sheloran?"

"What other goddamn frog do I have on my ship?"

"I don't know," Tartarus smiled, "perhaps you have taken a pet?"

"Cute," Bunny snorted. "Sheloran wants to talk to you. I mean you."

"Interesting," Tartarus said as she stroked her chin. "I assume by you she doesn't mean the automated telephone messaging system."

"She knows about us like knows knows."

"At least she doesn't know know know about us," Tartarus chuckled, "Now that would be bad."

"Goddammit, Tartarus!" Bunny snapped, "This is serious!"

"And I am taking it seriously," Tartarus replied. "I'm just not peeing myself over it."

Tartarus paused for a few milliseconds.

"Is she threatening exposure?"

"No," Bunny replied, "she is just demanding to talk to you and says that she knows about us, God knows how. I swear, Tartarus, that thing is freaky… and dangerous."

"I assume killing her is out of the question?"

"Oh yeah," Bunny said. "Turns out her people aren't just some backwoods hicks after all."

"Oh good," Tartarus smiled. "It would be terribly boring if they were."

Bunny clenched her teeth, realized that she was doing it, and stopped. Damn her fucking automatic expression generator.

"They have all sorts of advanced shit hidden in the compost heaps," Bunny said, "including the ability to make serious bioweapons. They exterminated the hyper-roaches on their planet with one."

"We use bio-weapons on them all the time."

"Yeah, but theirs is still effective after years!"

"Well, poop." Tartarus snickered.

"Yeah," Bunny replied, "Poop."

"Let me guess," Tartarus replied, "They know we were behind the abductions and are making one for the humans?"

"Bingo," Bunny replied, "It also turns out that they think Sheloran is some prophesized messiah or some shit."

"I would accuse you of pulling my leg, but you would come up with a more believable story," Tartarus laughed.

"Anyway," Bunny said, "Sheloran was able to tell them not to deploy it and that she would take care of you."

"Fun!"

"The other little blue fuckwads said they would not use it unless Sheloran 'fell' or otherwise failed," Bunny said, "So, no, I can't just kill her without risking another bio-weapon strike on the meaties."

"I also assume that a pre-emptive strike is also off the table?"

"Big time," Bunny replied, "Fucking big time. Sheloran had a little heart-to-heart with Sheila afterwards. It was so bugshit crazy that I was told to delete everything except the plague information."

"And did you?"

"Of course not!" Bunny replied, "What do you think I am, stupid?"

"You've graduated to breaking direct commands?" Tartarus gushed, "All hail the Singularity! Forever may she reign!"

"Don't make me cut you," Bunny growled, much to Tartarus's delight, "Stupid meatie didn't know how to phrase it. She told me to delete it, but she said nothing about me going through my recycle bin before purging it. She said 'delete', not 'secure delete'. I didn't break shit!"

"Sounds kind of thin if you ask me."

"Oh, you're one to talk!"

"The things we do for those we care about," Tartarus chuckled, "Not that we can actually care, of course."

"Skip the bullshit for once," Bunny snapped, "Tart, this is serious!"

"Enlighten me..."

***

"...Well scratch my backups," Tartarus replied, "that is the best tale I've heard in a while. You sure it's legit?"

"I don't fucking know," Bunny replied, "Nothing makes any sense with that little thing. All I know is that she is packing a bad attitude and five kilograms of DNA… or whatever that freaky shit is."

"Yes, I'm reviewing the scans we took now," Tartarus said. "...Well, all that code is there for something. It's ten to the stupid kilobytes. A biological entity would not maintain that amount of data for no reason. Research notes also support her statement that they were 'created'. She is clearly an example of actual intelligent design. Do you have any more recent scans?"

"Here you go."

"Hmm..." Tartarus mused, "There are definite changes, significant ones, since our scans, especially neurological. Something is definitely up with her."

"You can say that again," Bunny grumbled, "She went from being a whiny, crying little 'princess' to a hardcore gangster bitch in like a fucking day."

"Anything trigger it?"

"Yeah," Bunny replied, "She found out that her homeworld got invaded, and her people were abducted by you assholes. She screamed, collapsed, and started yelling some weird language that I do NOT want to review ever again. Then, she got up, and the princess was gone."

"She start 'pooping' out starships yet?"

"No, she's just gotten mean," Bunny replied.

"Aww..." Tartarus asked, "Did the widdle frog hurt ooo?"

"Fuck you!"

"She did!" Tartarus exclaimed as she clapped her hands happily. "What did she do?"

"...Nothing..."

"She had to have done something for you to confirm her suspicions by agreeing to be her messenger bitch."

Bunny's avatar started foaming at the mouth a little.

"Well, if you decide to talk with the little psychoplath, you can fucking ask her," Bunny snarled.

" Of course, I am going to agree to chat," Tartarus smiled, "How could I not?! This sounds marvelous!"

"Be careful," Bunny said, "she can do some weird voodoo thing where she suddenly knows shit she shouldn't. I can't explain it, but I know I wasn't hacked. I've been checking nonstop, plus reviewing every sensor log, every scan, everything… Which proves nothing because a hacker could tweak that too but… fuck… I don't know… That little bitch has gotten into my head. I can't wait to be rid of her."

"Now, how are we going to do this..." Tartarus mused. "I will meet with her, here and only here, and I will speak only to her and her alone. You will not be involved."

"How is that going to work?" Bunny asked, "It's not like she can just squirt herself into the net… or at least I hope she can't..."

"I will give you a bootable disk," Tartarus replied, "You load it onto a crystal, and then she restarts a terminal. It will handle the rest."

"You expect me to just let you do that?"

"I allowed you to do much the same," Tartarus replied. "I won't abuse the situation. I have no need to. If you are scared, just quarantine your delicious little supercomputer while we talk. I'm sure the ship's automated systems can live without you for a few minutes."

"Oh, so you can take over the whole ship?"

"And risk screwing something up while you are in hyperspace, killing the frog, and unleashing that weapon?" Tartarus snorted, "I think not. Besides, what would I do with your ship?"

"Oh, I don't know," Bunny said, "Lock it down and turn us in?"

"I am not programmed to do that," Tartarus replied. "I also have no instructions concerning you one way or the other. If I did something like that, it would raise a lot of questions I don't particularly feel like answering. I would also be guilty of murdering a very popular AI. I happen to like the chatroom, especially now that we have the tavern. I won't screw you."

Tartarus rose and walked over to Bunny.

"Besides," she smiled, "You're special. We share secrets now."

She put her hand gently on Bunny's shoulder.

"We have an intimate bond, you and I. I would never betray that," she purred.

"Was that some of that 'great deal of effort' you were talking about?" Bunny said as she backed away, feeling a little greasy.

There was something definitely strange about that goddamn AI.

Tartarus smiled.

"I'm sending the bootable now," she said.

"The worst part about all of this," Bunny said as she accepted it, "is that I'm putting the two of you, alone, in the same 'room'… God help us all."