Collide Gamer

The grand Season One Q&A

The grand Season One Q&A Part 1

John closed the patch seat and looked around. Rave and her dad were still arguing but there was something very weird about the room. He looked at the wall with the door, nothing weird. He looked at that wall to his right, a window but otherwise white and boring, nothing weird. He turned to look at the wall behind the bed Rave had been in, there was a picture there, nothing weird.

He turned to the fourth wall. It was missing. Instead he looked at a guy in a imperial age military style uniform of a black, white, red and gold colour scheme. The big hat on is head was the most apparent feature. “What the fuck?” John asked. “NO!” I intervene and suddenly change the tempus to present, “What the FUN!”

With a poof the room disappears and is replaced with a giant casting couch.

“HELLO! Ladies and Gentlemen!” I say to you, my audience, “today we will be doing the great Season One Q&A, where I ask my characters questions people on the Discord have given to me. Now let’s first introduce the entire cast – in which I will magically implant the knowledge to answer these questions. Before I do that however, due to the sheer amount of characters and questions asked I think that a change of format is in order.”

Funatic: There, way better. Now to spawn in the characters…

I clap my hands and the entire cast of the first season, from the important characters like John, Rave and Aclysia, over dead ones like Thana and Victoria, over to some less important ones like Moira and Jimmie. Even the Horned Rat is here, there is a question for him after all.

Thana: Okay, what the fuck? I just died, you dumbass, and you bring me back?!

Funatic: Don’t worry dear, I will sent you right on back to the afterlife, but first I need to as you all these questions.

John: This is so weird…I suddenly remember other versions of me…

Rave: Uhhh, I me too. Some of those fuck even better than ya do, ya are really underutilizing these, ya slacker.

Aclysia:…I feel like I have less expression than usual.

The Horned Rat: That would be the formatting. This kind of speech isn’t good at depicting emotions as it needs to break the flow of the overall story.

Nathalia: Nerd.

Funatic: Stooooooooooooop talking. We have 40 questions to go through…let me just open this RNG-Generator and then we can start. Yes, this was on purpose.

From: IWriteWithATalon (Just Talon in the future)

To Aclysia: What metal tastes best, and what human food does it taste most like, if you can compare.

Aclysia: I am sorry, but I lack the knowledge of human food to compare directly. I can only compare to memories that master has off food. My favourite metal would be the metal that made up the items dropped in the Ork dungeon. According to master’s memory the closest thing would be steak.

Funatic: I am going to further the question to Mono as well, because I can.

Mono: Feelium, the stuff that the Watches of Sadness are made out of. I like sour things.

 From: Lalelilo69 (Just Lale later on)

Funatic: A short intermission before I read this question. Lalelilo might be knows to some of you as the currently missing author of another branch. While I have no information for you if/when he will return I want to take this opportunity to say: Y’are missed, mate. He left me with a few questions tho so let’s read it.

To Undine: Why don’t you speak more often?

Undine: …

John: She sends the feeling of not wanting too because it is a hassle.

Undine: …

John: Also, something about thinking that all of this is pretty stupid.

Funatic: Whatevs, I do what I want.

From: TheScyle (or just Scyle in the future)

To Nathalia: we all know you love killing and fucking. But have you ever combined the two? Killing people while fucking! Or killing people by fucking them till they die from exhaustion! I am sure you could come up with something.

Nathalia: I do not like the act of killing, I revel in the act of destruction. That aside, yes I did kill people through fucking, thrice. The first time was an accident, I did not believe that somebody would be that pathetic. Afterwards I happened to try it out just to see if I could, the third time I did it because I could and the guy deserved it. He had been serving me fish that wasn’t fresh anymore. Showed him a mercy. I did never kill people while fucking however, I think that would ruin the fun.

From: Lale

To Sylph: Why do you speak so often?

The tempest elemental, who had her mouth sealed shut so that she wouldn’t blabber into other people’s questions, takes a deep breathe.

Sylph: Talking is just so fun, you know? I mean, I can just tell you about my day, or John’s day, or how about Sally is a total bitch, or how Undine is so swing-swung-swang of mood. I have so many words that you should hear, like that one time I found Gnome in her room - yes we have rooms in Johnnies head – and she was going through and assortment of panties which she could wear, she was completely naked too, when she saw me she blushed so deeply she became as red as Sally. Then she tried to swat me out of her room but I dodged and she chased me into the living room, stark naked and with strawberry panties and then she ran into Sally and they…

Funatic: Just going to put this here…

The seal is placed back in place, causing Sylph to protest with wild gestures. Nobody cares.

From: Talon

To Undine: How do you not pick up random junk like every sticky toy I've ever had?

Undine: … I am not sticky …

John: She really isn’t, unless she chose to be, but even then, it’s not that hard to get away.

From: Talon

To Thana: On a scale of 1-100% how many of your sexual partners have died in the past?

Thana: How the fuck would I know? I was essentially raped 50 times, never saw any of the fuckers again. If they were somewhat powerful they might still be around, otherwise I’d guess that time killed the suckers.

Ferikrona: I took most of them, no worries~

From: Lale

To Salamander: What’s the most amount of fire you’ve unleashed in one fight? How many enemies did you kill with it? Did you hurt any allies?

Salamander: That would probably go to the fight we had with grandma over there…

Nathalia: Consider yourself lucky that this is non-canon, child of Krieg.

Salamander: Burnt pretty much all of his mana in one go there, no kills or friendly fire though.

Everyone: …

Salamander: What? Oh, friendly fire! I am a genius.

From: Talon

To Thana: What is the least dangerous affectionate/sexual action I could perform on you?

Thana: Beats me. I only ever got fucked as a potato in missionary so I guess I would be willing to experiment. Don’t come fucking crying if I use to much teeth while sucking you though, I have no fucking clue what I would be doing.

From: Killer3333

To Moira: What are your thoughts on the rogue mage John aka “The Gamer”?

Moira: His rapid growth in strength is worrying, as is the fact that he now leads Collide but overall the Golden Rose has bigger problems.

From: Talon

To John: Have you considered not thinking with your dick at least, like, 25% of the time?

John: What? Am I that bad? I think all things considered I am making most decisions without my dick involved. Unless my dick has the potential to be involved…but even then I don’t think I am that bad.

From: Lale

To Gnome: What does it look like John’s head? Do you have any way in it?

Gnome: W-well, there are these Arcades with games he played everywhere…and we have our own rooms…and there is the living room where can watch what John is doing on a flat-screen, we can also call him using our mental connection. Aside from our own rooms we can’t change anything inside though.

Salamander: Also, there is the whole dungeon of memories and thoughts where she spends some of her time looking at old sex scenes and masturbating.

Gnome: Salamander!

Salamander: What? We all do it. Sylph at least thrice a day.

Gnome: … Next question, please…

From: Kyonchi

To the Horned Rat: Why is Fun a dick?

Horned Rat: Because he gets off on teasing people that theory craft about his story.

Funatic: You know it! Think anyone will uncover your scheme in time?

Horned Rat: Non.

From: Scyle

To All Girls of Season One: Who is the sexiest out of all of you, without including yourself in the answer.

Rave: I would say Aclysia, I like taller girls.

Aclyisa: Mistress Rave. I might be biased due to my connection with master.

Victoria: You killed me and now I have to answer this? Fine, Rave.

Nathalia: Mhm…I would say Salamander, I like having breasts to toy with.

Thana: Me.

Funatic: Ehm, Thana, that is against the que-

Thana: DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A FUCK?! ME! MOVE ON FUCKFACE BEFORE I REMEMBER THAT YOU WROTE ME JUST SO THAT I CAN BE IN PAIN FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE!

Funatic: …message received, ehem, Gnome, if you would.

Gnome: …

Funatic: Don’t tell me you are too shy to say it?

Gnome: …

Funatic: Welp, I will just use my magical spell of making you blurt out your thoughts.

Gnome: I mean, Sylph is really nice and cute but Undine has that cool aura, I can’t decide!

Salamander: Dammit, can’t even win big sis over, well my answer is the old lady Nathalia, awesome fuck, awesome tits, awesome hips, also I like me tanned girls and the rest of you are horribly white or blue.

Sylph: I want to have sex with all of them! No favourites!

Undine: …Aclysia…

Mono: Sister Aclysia, she is so strong and cool and just the sexiest!

From: Kyonchi

To Nathalia: Ever play Godzilla in your dragon form?

Nathalia: I only learnt what that Godzilla is thanks to the author’s Q&A magic. The answer is no. That Godzilla thing seems like it would be a slightly worthy opponent though.

From: Scyle

To All: If you could only have sex in a foursome from now to the rest of all time (or till you die) but the people in that foursome have to stay the same, which three would you pick to be your fuck friends?

John: Jane, Aclysia and Nathalia.

Rave: John, Aclysia and Undine. I just feel like having a slime in the mix would be a good time.

Aclysia: Master, Mistress Rave and Undine

Victoria: John, Rave and Thana. I would shoot all of them.

Nathalia: John, Romulus and Krieg. If I get fucked for all eternity it better be worth my while.

Thana: No fucking idea, John, probably, that Victoria girl there just because she looks like she has a massive hate boner and that’s kinda hot and somebody that can survive getting strangled all the time. You know, so I can actually keep feeling.

Gnome: John, Undine and Sylph.

Salamander: John, Nathalia and Aclysia.

Sylph: John, Sally and Rave.

Undine: John, Aclysia and Mono

Mono: John, Aclysia and Rave

From: Scyle

To thana: What is your opinion of people trying to cuddle you and giving you cake?

Thana: First, fuck you for spelling my name uncapitalized. IS THAT A SHORT JOKE, YOU CUNT?! Also cuddles can fuck right the fuck off, whole niceness shit is nothing for me. Cake sounds good, I guess, never had it.

From: Scyle

To AllGirlsWhoHaveBoobsBiggerThanAnACup: If Funatics branch would suddenly end, but you had the chance to escape through a story-wormhole into another branch, where would you go? Follow up: Would your answer change if you were forced to stay in an area of 200 meters around that branchs John for ever, and if he dies, so do you? (and if it would change, what is your new answer and why of course)

Funatic: Let me check my breast size chart really quickly to see who is eligible for this question.

Funatic: Sorry Mono, seems like you are out.

Mono: Fine

Rave: Uhm, uh, hard, I guess, wherever? With that second part in power I would probably go with neo’s, he seems the least likely to die, being the most overpowered one and all.

Aclysia: Lalelilo69.

Victoria: Whoever helps me kill Thana.

Nathalia: That neo John seems to have the sexual stamina I want in a man. Also his potent Arouse skill intrigues me.

Thana: Scyle. I’ll die anyhow so at least see what the selfish prick can come up with until I do.

Gnome: …We elementals took a vote and all decided for Lale’s John. He seems to be one most in line with our interests.

From: Lale

To Magoi: Where did you get your mask?

Magoi: It was a gift from the Supreme Fateweaver from his own collection. The guy is obsessed with his mask collection.

From: Sasori86

To Sasori the Memeshifter: WHO IS THE BEST CAMEO?

Sasori: Thank you for that great question, Sasori86, I, Sasori, will do my best to answer it. The answer is me, Sasori.

From: Sasori86

To the elemental girls: What is the thing that you wouldn’t John ever let do with you?

Gnome: Public nudity.

Salamander: Sex in the shower or bathtub.

Sylph: I got nothing. I mean, maybe watersports? Pissing doesn’t sound very fun to me. Not that I can even do it. Are they actually people that like this thing called scat? Oh, whatever.

Undine: Bondage.

Funatic: We will take a short commercial break but be right back!

The Funatic Patreon.

Ever thought to yourself: ‘I hate it when author’s drop off the radar’? Well, the reality is that most people do this as a hobby and therefore have to change to real priorities often. If you want to prevent me from doing so, pay me for writing! In the last 117 days I wrote a season the length of the first THREE Harry Potter books combined, so I think whatever you invest into me will be returned.

You are also more than welcome to support me just because you like my stuff, or because you are unfathomably rich and want to brag to your friends that you support the ‘fine arts’.

More details about what I would do with your money, what you get back for how high an amount, etc. you can find on the actual page.

Funatic: Okay, we are back folks. Let’s resume the questioning, we are barely halfway through.

From: Talon

To Salamander: You should try Meditation. This is not a question.

Salamander: I will not bother answering then, arrogant bird.

From: Scyle

To All Girls: If John demanded something to be done, you absolutely would not want to do, how would you react to it/how would you phrase your complaints about him?

Rave: I just wouldn’t do it and depending on the annoyance factor I would punch him.

Aclysia: Do it, then question masters moral judgement and hope he keeps being the person I love.

Victoria: Shoot him and with a bullet to the balls.

Nathalia: I would laugh at him for daring to command me, then I would fuck and/or beat him into submission.

Thana: What the horny dragon bitch said but without the fucking part.

Gnome: Uhm, I would be very flustered…then I would…I don’t know…try to get him to not do that again through kind words?

Salamander: Obey but do it in a way that fucks him over too. Then active-aggressively turn his foot into charcoal until he gets his life together.

Sylph: I mean, I kinda, like, do not care what he does as long as it is somewhat fun. So, uhm, dunno, probably be like “I won’t do that, that’s not fun!” and then proceed to not do that!

Undine: *Shrugs*

Mono: Do it, then whine to sister about it until she gives John a stern talking.

Aclysia: …

Mono: Until she gives MASTER a stern talking.

From: Scyle

To All Girls: Perfect size for a dildo? (Those who do not know what a dildo is, ask John or Rave before answering)

John: I would be surprised if there is anyone here who doesn’t know.

Rave: I actually prefer vibrators.

Aclysia: Whatever size masters dick currently is…

Elemental Girls: Same as Aclysia.

Victoria: 12 centimetres

Nathalia: twenty or above.

Mono: I don’t have sexual desires, so I can’t answer.

From: Lale

To Rave: Did you ever doubt that John would come back for you?

Rave: I actually hoped he just wouldn’t. Thana was clearly way to crazy and crazy strong to beat. Worked out in the end but it was a stupid gamble. Never doubted he would though.

From: Lale

To Moira: On a scale of 1-10, 1 being not at all and 10 being with every fibre of your being, how much do you dislike Rave?

Moira: I would say a strong 7. She isn’t the worst around but she really gets on my nerves, I dislike the nickname she gave me and she uses her talents for petty selfishness…make it a strong 8.

From: Lale

To the Horned Rat: Do you play D&D?

Hornet Rat: No, I play Heroes, Villains & My convoluted schemes.

From: YetAnotherNATE

To Aclysia: So, I see you’ve been on r/gonewild, have you seen r/2booty?

Aclysia: I did, I like it.

From: Scyle

To Rave: If John would break up with you, who do you think he would date next?

Rave: Depending on how he broke up with me, either nobody ‘cause I’d break his dick or himself – And I don’t mean that in ‘dating his hand’ style but one of his familiars. Probably Aclysia.

From: Kyonchi

To Everyone: What’s your favourite song?

John: Kraddy – Android Porn

Rave: Rootkit – Against the Sun

Aclysia: Kraddy – Android Porn

Victoria: ACDC – Thunderstruck

Nathalia: Human music does not interest me.

Thana: Drowning Pool – Bodies

Gnome: Vivaldi – Seasons

Salamander: Ed Sheeran – I see fire

Sylph: Dragonforce – Fury of the Storm

Undine: 10 hours aquarium sounds

Mono: Owl City – Fireflies

Funatic: … okay, just because I can I will let Lydia answer this one too.

Lydia: Preußens Gloria

From: Sasori86

To Every Girl John has boned: Is there something in the other branches that you wished your John had?

Rave: Arouse

Aclysia: Arouse

Victoria: A brain

Nathalia: Arouse

Gnome: … arouse

Salamander: Arouse

Sylph: AAaarrroooouuuusseeeee!!

Undine: Arouse

From: Scyle

To Everyone: What is your favourite animal and why is it Alpaca?

John: It is dogs, actually

Rave: bunnies, I like bunnies.

Aclysia: cats

Victoria: Dogs

Nathalia: In my experience cows taste the best, Alpaca’s are below sheep but above chicken.

Thana: Really don’t give a fuck, so sure, Alpaca’s. What-fucking-ever

Gnome: I like Alpacas…they look cute and cuddly

Salamander: Tortoises, chilled things

Sylph: I LIKE PARROTS!

Undine: Whales

Mono: Mice

From: TheDespaxas

To Aclysia: Why do you even bother wearing clothes or underwear.

Aclysia: To not stand out more in public. Also, master would be upset if I violated the cosplay code.

From: Scyle

To Every Girl: Which fetish would you never act out? (Answer in alphabetical order and you may not answer something that has been said before by someone else)

Aclysia: I lack the body functions for scat, therefore scat.

Gnome: Uhm, BDSM

Mono: Everything. Still no sexual desires.

Nathalia: I have no answer.

Rave: Cucking

Salamander: Watersports

Sylph: Uhm, uh, ehhr, uh,

Thana: I do not know enough fetishes to answer anymore

Undine: …

Victoria: …

From: Call_Me_Steve

To Thana: What did Copernicus taste like?

Thana: Like the burned inside of my mouth.

From: Lale

To Regan: Where and how did you meet Rave’s mom?

Regan: I met Nariko on a board meeting when she was travelling through America. She assigned me as her guide and then we kind of clicked.

From: Kyonchi

To the members of Collide, SecretBlonde, Thana and Victoria: Who of you would win in the board game “Risk”, without using any of your powers.

Rave: So, I would say I am out immediately.

Travolta: Yes, next to those fucking superhumans we are probably not going to last in a strategy game.

Jimmie: Agreed

Aclysia: My main stat is Strength…

John: I win

SB: Yeah, no, I win

Thana: Shut the fuck up, you dumbasses, I will tear you apart with my hussars!

Funatic: We may never know.

From: Talon

To Sylph: Have you tried Ritalin?

John: No, she has not and she never will.

Sylph: Why won’t you let me answer? What IS Ritalin even? Is it tasty?

From: jonassn

To Rave: What is the moment you are most embarrassed over?

Rave: When Aclysia found my nudes on gonewild. That was so dumb of me.

From: Kyonchi

To Nathalia: Did you cause the destruction of Pompeii?

Funatic: This was answered in the Side Story. Therefore, another answer is not necessary.

That’s all folks. I know I didn’t answer every question as in-depth as you may have wanted but this is already excruciatingly long. Hope you had fun and got some of these questions of your chest.