Chapter 141 – The insanity of it all (Wednesday 7/7)

“Okay,” John said, over the breakfast table, “this is the program for the day, first we use these keys.” He pointed at the item in question, dangling from the golden band that was in turn attached to his pants. Swiftly, he took a bite of his sandwich. Aclysia handed him some water to wash it down. “Thank you,” he said after putting the glass on the table.

“No problem, Master,” Aclysia answered with her usual bow.

“Continuing on: we will do the randomizer again and hope that whatever comes out gives a Skill Evolution Point, otherwise we try to push for the tenth floor and get the Quest done.” It was a risky strategy, they would be fighting monsters up to 8 levels above them, plus the core boss at the end, but it was the best idea John had. ‘Here goes hoping that the bonus level throws out something useful.’

About twenty minutes later they entered the grassy plain, where a bored supreme deity was once again hovering in the air. This time, Gaia had brought popcorn. “Feri once again said no,” she complained to John, “That time bitch is annoying the fuck out of me. First, she restores Nathalia to full power without consulting me, then she says she doesn’t want to help you and now all she does is keep playing this game called Hero Clicker.”

“Sounds like something annoying,” John just agreed, “can you pull the lever?”

“Can I, supreme deity of everything, do anything? In my literal sleep, dude, but first read the window.”

“Window? What window…?” John looked around, then it appeared.

“Oh come on!” He lamented, “that is bullshit.”

“No, you endlessly grinding out that dog chasing dungeon for Skill Points would be bullshit,” Gaia threw back in a ‘no nonsense’ tone. “You are already stronger than 80% of the Abyss. don’t you start giving me lip because you have to put a bit of effort into grinding.”

John took a deep breath and mumbled, “Just pull the damn lever.”

“Don’t make me smite you, young man,” the young-looking goddess warned as the lever went down following a flick of her finger.

The wheel turned and turned and turned and turned and… “Is it going to stop today?” the question came from Gaia herself.

“Can’t you make it stop whenever?”

“Pfff, yeah, of course I could, but I don’t like to meddle,” she quickly answered John’s question.

‘Then what are you doing here?’ he thought, knowing he wouldn’t get an answer. Finally, the wheel stood still. The symbol presented was a paper-white, deformed face with a giant grin spanning over a crooked chin, their eyes squinting in excessive laughter.

“That is a troll face,” Aclysia stated.

“That is indeed a troll face,” John supported.

“Oh – my – gosh, that gosh being you of course Gaia, that is so creepy and cute at the same time. What does it do? Will it create a zombie plague? Or a fire kitten? Do you know how evil fire kittens are? They are super fluffy but if you pet them they burn you and you die, but you need to pat them, it is the perfect trap. Wait, didn’t we used to have a fire cat with us?” Sylph babbled without end.

“Copernicus is a sun cat, you buffoon,” Salamander said while shaking her head. “

Riiiiiiiight, anyway, what will it do, what will it dooooo?!

The slot machine disappeared, Gaia flew a bit higher and shouted down, “No idea, but I have better things to do than listen to you keep babbling on.” Then she disappeared, leaving John a new window.

“Everyone ready for…whatever is about to happen?” John asked, looking over the still empty plain of grass. Everyone let him know that they were through one gesture or word and then he clicked the start button.

He heard a whistling noise from somewhere. He had heard that before. Not in person but in Youtube videos of…of planes crashing. He looked upwards. From the sky fell a metal object, several metres tall, a flat base and six sides, which tapered towards the top. It was painted in blue, a sign looking either like a glorious U or a decorated toilet seat, depending on who one asked, was painted on the sides.

“I-is that an Ultramarine drop-pod?” John got out before the thing crashed into the land a few dozen metres away. The shockwave was surprisingly weak. All it forced John to do was take a step back. His barrier protected him from the pebbles that were catapulted his way.

Stunned silence overcame the field, the drop-pod made a wheezing noise as the pressurized doors opened. A single man walked out. An almost three-metre tall man, in ultramarine blue armour with U shaped insignia all over it, a skull decorating the belt and a golden Aquila on the left shoulder pad. Behind him waved a red cape and the helmet covered his whole face, a mane of white and red attached to the top.

“I am…” he started in a high-pitched voice.

“Cato Sicarius…yes…yes…” John intercepted him really quickly and used observe.

“No you are mistaken, my lord,” the so-called Memeshifter said, “I am not Cato Sicarius,” he pulled his helmet from his face and threw it away. Underneath was a man that would have been extremely handsome. Long blonde hair, stunning brown eyes, a truly awe-inspiring jawline, all the hallmarks of an attractive man. Only problem: he had no nose and his mouth had slipped up his face to fill the gap. “I am DIO SICARIUS!” the beings' voice was suddenly extremely corny with a bad Japanese accent, “you have no way of stopping-u me, John-dono. I control it.”

“Control what?!” John had no idea what was going on.

“ZA - WARUDO!”

There was an extremely deep, distorted sound that accompanied a wave of darkness. All it touched had its colours inverted, creating a weird and almost eye-searing world.

“Time has stopped for everyone but I, Dio Sicarius!” the being announced and stepped forwards.

“No, it hasn’t?” John stood there, very capable of tilting his head in confusion, ready to give Salamander all of his mana to burn this guy into oblivion.

Sasori stopped dead in his tracks.

“John!” Sylph angrily said, she hung in the air frozen, “play along, this might be fun.”

“Yeah, man,” said Sasori, in a voice so normal that John could barely comprehend it after having heard the earlier personifications, “don’t ruin this.”

“I mean…” he looked at all of his other group members. Undine did her best to not care, but looked slightly confused, Salamander rubbed her forehead like she had a giant headache, Aclysia was just stoically waiting for John’s decision, accepting this madness for what it was, while Gnome was completely flustered and looked at everyone, wildly spinning on the spot until she made herself dizzy in confusion.

“Pretty please?” Sylph asked, the wave coming back a moment later, allowing herself to move again without ‘breaking the rules’. “Come on John, this is perfect, this is fun, we can fight him later, right, right?” she pleaded.

“Well, the windows said killing him is not necessary so…” John hesitatingly answered.

Sylph was right in his face. “So we can just play along, come on, this looks fun, let’s have fun, this will be funtastic, mister, mister, can you repeat that?” she turned to the memeshifter, having made the decision for John and everyone else.

‘Let’s just go along with it for the moment,’ John told the group. He had no idea what was going on but if Sylph had fun and the reward randomized anyhow maybe just doing what he was told was smart.

“Okay, just say something so we can start the scene again,” he looked at John anticipatingly.

“Ehm,” John was still not sure, then thought ‘fuck it, might as well have fun with this,’ and said, “Whatever could you do to me, Dio Sicarius, while I am protected by five beautiful girls?” That was exactly the kind of corny line needed.

“He…huhuhe…Ahahahaha….gnahaahahaha! You think your puny companions can stop me, Dio Sicarius?” Sasori delivered the line with perfect conviction, “That is the dumbest thing that I, Dio Sicarius, have ever heard and I, Dio Sicarius, have heard a lot of dumb things in my life!”

“Most of which you said yourself, I reckon,” Salamander drily stated, this whole thing was pure agony to her.

“Urgh! You will pay for such painful words! Feel the power of I, Dio Sicarius! ZA WARUDO!”

The shockwave went out and at the same time Sylph instructed everybody, ‘Don’t move, not even the slightest bit!’ Resigned they all followed the order/request, John was a bit annoyed, he had been blinking and was now stuck with his eyes closed. Although he did have to give himself props for being able to react that fast.

There was one person who still did not play along. ‘Sally, your flames are still moving.’

‘I am not playing this dumb game.’

“Time has now stopped for everyone but I, Dio Sicarius,” Sasori tried a second time.

‘Come on, he is really into this.’

‘Fuck you, Sylph, this is stupid, you are stupid.’

“Nobody can react to anything I, Dio Sicarius, do for five seconds,” the memeshifter continued his monologue, “One second has passed!”

John was pretty sure five seconds had passed already, but what did he know?

“Two seconds have passed!”

‘Silly Sally, always just thinking about burning, dumb silly Sally,’ Sylph said in a voice close to crying.

“Three seconds have passed!” 

‘Salamander, just…just play along please….’ John intervened and got back a wave of burning fury followed by reluctant complacency.

‘Fine,’ the blaze elemental eventually said. John let out a mental sigh of relief. Actually, this wasn’t so bad. Just going with the flow, let himself be thrown this or that way, like a leaf in the wind.

“YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!” John shouted and immediately snapped out of it all. Going with the flow certainly included blowing a gasket. “That cannot be the whole lesson you had for me Sylph, what was it even?!”

“I…i.i.i.i.i.i... just wanted you to have fun,” Sylph’s startled answer sounded like she was on the border of crying, “What are you getting so mad about when stuff is easy? Shouldn’t you be happy?!”

She wasn’t wrong but John felt like this somehow cheapened his previous efforts and that made him a tad mad. “Gee-“ wild gesture, “Zus-“ wild gesture, “CHRIST, Sylph! I love you, but holy hell if you are not the most impulsive thing in existe-“ he gestured again and only now realized that his hand had been hammering against something solid. The entire time, he had been drumming against Sasori’s breastplate.

“I will just…roll with it…” the being decided, clearing his throat before taking a dramatic step backwards. “URGH! IMPOSSIBLE! NOBODY HAS EVER BROKEN OUT OF ZA WARUDO BEFORE!” He breathed heavily, sweat ran down his temples, and he grunted. A strained grin spread on his face. “But this isn’t even my final form!” he shouted and crouched, starting to scream. The earth rumbled and broke apart, flying upwards as the being overpowered gravity itself.

“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!”

A golden aura exploded around Sasori. The golden hair on his head turned into a spikey mountain, its strands joining the tumbling pieces of dirt in ignoring the suggestion of physics. John readied himself for the true boss fight to begin. Dust, rolling outwards as the scream reached its highest note, robbed John of his sight.

When he looked for Sasori, the form of Dio Sicarius was gone. Entirely gone. There was no one and nothing around.

“What is today?!” he wanted to know from some higher power that would listen.

“Cower before my true form!” he once again heard the voice of the Memeshifter.

“I can’t cower before something I cannot see!” John exclaimed, “where are you?”

“Look upon the ground and despair!” John did as instructed and found there…

“You cannot be serious,” the Gamer said, his eyes fixed on the green vegetable in the grass.

“I TURNED MYSELF INTO A PICKLE, JOHN!” Sasori screamed, “I’M PICKLE DIO!”

“How absolutely terrifying,” John said in a voice as dead in tone as he was inside.

“I did not believe to meet an enemy strong enough to survive the sight of this form, brave warrior, I admit defeat,” Sasori announced and then with a ‘poof’ the pickle became spectral and grew wings, fluttering towards the sky. “Now I must go, my planet needs me.”

“Bye~” Sylph waved after him, “we will remember you like the hero you were, not as the pickle you became!”

“One has not to exclude the other, young Sylph, I am a hero, just as much as I am a pickle.” With these words Sasori vanished into the night sky.

“So wise,” Sylph said and turned to John, who was giving her a very conflicted look.

“For the future, while this was fun in some way, I am not doing weird plays with things that transform into pickles, ever again, okay?” he made his position clear.

“Roger!” Sylph saluted with a grin that showed that she absolutely did not understand the problem here.

“I liked seeing Master this emotional, even though his acting wasn’t the best,” Aclysia commented.

Gnome in the background was flushed red and played with her twin tails. “He called me beautiful, well, he called all of us beautiful, but that includes me, so that is good, I think,” she mumbled.

Undine actually had completely phased out while Salamander was just about ready to burn this whole plain out of existence. If she had that power, she would have already started.

“Well, at least it was worth it,” John sighed and clicked ‘I am too old for this shit’.