Classless Ascension

Chapter 171: Pew Pew! Pew Pew Pew!

Right outside the D-23 area, 300 men and women were hurriedly rushing into position. They did it orderly, but the urgency could be felt as they shouted.

"Hurry up and get behind cover! They outnumber us! Make sure you are safe!"

"All turrets need to keep the suppressive fire going!"

"Their Anti-Energy shield is going strong. We'll need to shoot them ourselves!"

"What about the mines installed in the area?!"

"They seem to have somehow found the first ones easily. We suspect there is a freak in their midst able to detect underground energy signatures."

"Fuck! It took a while to place those. This is so unfair."

"What about the energy integrity?"

"All is full, we should be ready to resist for a very long time!"

Josh couldn't help but perk his ears, listening to all their conversations. There had been mines?! At the horizon, he could distinguish about a thousand enemies. They were all assembled under that blue dome, moving along with it.

They reminded him of a giant mythological turtle that hid in its shell. Their teamwork was especially remarkable.

"Want to see?" Kasha handed him some binoculars.

As he observed them, he couldn't help but be shocked. They looked like humans for sure, but that was only at first glance. Every one of them was wearing a dark cloak and a black robe that made them look like rogues.

But, plenty of twisted members could be seen poking out of their clothes. Some had scales, some had fur, some seemed to be gooey, and some even had tentacles in place of arms!

How crazy was that?! Josh couldn't help but sigh. Why were the tentacle guys even soldiers?! This was such a huge waste of talent. They should have been actors instead, obviously.

They seemed to carry with them blue round smaller energy shields that would cover their whole body too. Apparently, these ones would be to counter normal-fire. They had been truly well prepared.

What were they even planning with their earlier invisible surprise attack? Had they planned to sneak inside D-23 and get their samples directly? Perhaps their goal from the start had been to kill the entire Black Legion.

Josh noticed a weird detail. No matter how he looked, he couldn't find any leader. Yet, all the foot soldiers seemed to know what they were doing. Was it previous instructions or was someone hiding while pulling the strings in real-time?

Maybe they were even hiding in that army somehow and acting like normal grunts. Perhaps they really weren't here either and were planning a covert operation somewhere else.

There was one thing Josh was curious about: "How did they even fool EVE? Do they have the technology to do that?"

"That's not my area of expertise at all, but we should be significantly more advanced on that front than them. It's worrying for sure. Either they found a trick or they are receiving help from some Metropolis other than the H one." Roderick grumbled.

They had thwarted their sneak attack plan and Gene Corp bigshots seemed absent. Yet, their army still remained extremely impressive if only because of their numbers. They slowly but steadily approached.

The soldiers all around could be seen trembling. This was especially true for the new recruits. As they saw this imposing force, they felt tiny and their stomachs began twisting in anguish.

"What's happening now?" Kasha asked concerned.

"Every fight, there is a lull before the massacre starts. Fear tends to spread and I can't stress how vital this part is to morale. This moment of waiting is close to unbearable for many." Roderick stated.

"So, pretty much, we have nothing more to do than to wait for them to get closer so we can kill each other?" Josh asked curiously.

"Exactly. Now, we need to reassure the troops and—" Roderick was rudely interrupted by the sound of laughter. ,

"HAHAHAHA!" People were shocked as Josh erupted laughing.

Somehow his voice was heard all across the 300 of them, with all their gazes being transfixed on him. They were all puzzled. What had happened?

That's when Josh spoke, monologuing with one of the silliest voices they had ever heard. He was copying an automated phone voice.

"Hello and thank you for calling My-Battlefield Help Call Center! How may we help you today? Please select one of our frequent troubleshooting options!"

1. Holy shit I'm dying! No one told me this could happen on a battlefield. I may perhaps need a medic or at the very least a hug. #Hugs

2. I'm not sure who or where my enemies are. In fact, I'm not sure if I even have enemies. (Swiss, Kiwi, Canadian, etc.) Please send help! #Need Answers

3. I woke up late and today is my first war. It's kinda embarrassing and I don't want my enemies to think I stood them up. What should I do?! #War Virgin #Advice

4. I'm fine. Both the enemies and I are here. But, they are just so slow, even slower than Internet Exploring! Please tell them to hurry up! #Slow AF

That's when he looked at the stupefied Kasha. She couldn't believe it. What the Hell was he doing?! She hesitantly uttered: "4!" It resounded in their midst, everyone listening with rapt attention.

"Thank you for your patience. You have selected the option: my enemies are slower than buttered octogenarians with ankle weights. Here is a song that should help! It is titled: waiting for some dumbasses!"

He then began softly and calmly singing without a care in the world:

(~￣▽￣)~

????

Here I serenely lie in wait

Questioning my very life

Why are they all so late?

To this date with the afterlife

????

I just want to help, really!

A kind soul showing mercy

Ready to cure them of the crazy

I even came especially early

????

Eager to truly do my best

But to my utmost distress

Goddamn, they are so slow!

Should I make them kotow?

????

Surely this deserves an apology

Then again can I blame them?

How stressful being my enemy

Do I have the right to condemn?

????

Guess I'll simply be patient

Waiting for these dumbasses

That soon will be only ashes

And I'll be grinning adjacent

????

Here I serenely lie in wait

So slow a song I could create.

This would normally be over

But guess we'll do a do-over…

????

Josh then repeated this silly tune over and over. It was the kind of song that would invade one's mind. Soon, the soldiers found themselves humming along. All of their previous worries were all gone. Many couldn't help but remark:

"This tune is magical! We're just waiting for dumbasses. What is there to fear?!"

"A date with the afterlife, that's so poetic!"

"He's not wrong. Death does cure craziness!"

"So what if they outnumber us? They'll soon be ashes anyway!"

"He's literally composing songs. Pfft, talk about them not being intimidating!"

Roderick couldn't believe it. What kind of sorcery was this?! A war song was supposed to include lots of screaming and anger. This one seemed more like a lullaby! Also, how was it so damn effective!

They kept singing as their enemies progressively covered more ground. All until they were finally in range of their guns. Everyone began shooting with tons of Pew Pew sounds echoing across the battlefield.

This scene reminded Josh so much of a sci-fi game. He felt this urge to run straight into the enemies with a plasma sword. Of course, even he would die from this. There were only so many projectiles that a body could block.

In fact, stunts like that mostly worked in games. One should never underestimate the power of desperate enemies. One could very well decide to give a free hug while clutching a grenade (or the equivalent).

No, he would obediently remain right behind cover, near Kasha. In case something turned wrong, he would ride her and leave as fast as the wind. Honestly, he had no idea how this whole fight would play out.

Many said that war never changed. While this was true, he felt foreign to this straightforward method of waging it. He felt so completely out of his element.

He would have preferred to somehow fight them in the forest, using the sloths to kill them. Was that even possible?

It seemed like this whole thing was a game of patience. Every blaster shot pierced the orange/blue big barriers and colliding with the smaller shields. They kept trying to hit the other side as they hid behind cover.

But the allied soldiers showed amazing teamwork. As the enemies moved, their personal defenses were losing some power. Instantly the Black Legion would focus on one cover, utterly shattering it and evaporate the enemy behind it.

This in turn made Gene Corp try to counterattack, thus causing a few deaths. It was just volley after volley of bullets, each side trying to exploit the weaknesses of the other. But no matter what the enemies slowly progressed.

That's when Josh noticed something.

"Hey, they seem to be forming groups. Yes, look at that! They are splitting up into 5 parties. What do you guys think they are doing? Should we worry?" He whispered the last part.

"I can see it. It seems to be some sort of canister, It's pretty big and there is a triangle with a big X on it. Any idea what this could be?" She asked puzzled.

That's when Roderick's face changed completely and suddenly.

"We need to stop this! That's a goddamn EMP! It will only affect our stuff too! If this thing goes off we're dead. No, more than dead. We'll end up as nothing more than lab patients. We can't allow them to get to these sloths!"

They were all in agreement on that one.

"How does that thing even work?"

"They'll have to plant it near the main barrier. We'll have to exit this place and do a lightning-speed operation!"

This shit sounded really bad...

Creator's Thought

From time to time singing can be fun. Apparently, my singing left a deep impression on people. I guess I was just that good. Turns out that some guy was so interested in them that he made a compilation of all of the best ones. It was titled: "Songs for Crazy People." Me, crazy?! Why?!