Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

I stared at Harmsson, the monstrous mallard momentarily forgotten.

“Crikey!?” I growled, my vision turning red. “It was you! You’re the other chosen!!! THAT’S WHY YOU SICC’D AMBERMINE ON ME!?”

The duck answered with an angry “QUACK!!!”

Harmsson’s face paled, as a prompt appeared in my vision. It was one I’d seen before.

*Bing!*

New Quest: All’s Fair in Love and War 1/7

You’ve discovered another Chosen, now sabotage them!

Chosen Sabotaged: 0/1

Rewards: [Karmic Reversal + 1]

Yes / No

I almost immediately hit ‘Yes’, just for the principle of the thing.

But I held off, because I had other problems.

One, big, ducking problem.

The duck hissed, sticking its tongue out and stretching its wings. It had a horrifyingly long barbed tongue that lashed to-and-fro as it waddled menacingly in our direction. A thin line of razor sharp teeth edged its beak.

I gulped, regretting my outburst, and then as any good Canadian, immediately took goose precautions. Ducks weren’t geese, but all's fair in love and waterfowl.

“Harmsson, you absolute arse, don’t make any threatening moves,” I said, calmly.

“Keep your arms at your side, maintain eye contact, and stick to the wall. I’m going to keep talking, as though to a small idiot child, because then you’ll be able to understand, and it should confuse and calm it. Move away from the eggs while making it clear you aren’t going for them. Do you understand me, you gabbling shit-gibbon? It should move to put itself in between us and the eggs before it attacks.”

Harmsson did as I said, keeping his hands to his side. “The insults are hardly necessary. You would’ve done the same in my shoes.”

“Like hell, I’ve been in yer shoes and they stink. Wash yer feet, you filthy animal.”

Harmsson reddened, matching my petulant tone. “Oh, are we doing this, you alcoholic Canucklehead? How many years in this world and you still haven’t managed a half decent beer? You CoULdN’T BReW YOuR WAy OuT oF A GarAGE!”

“Better than becomin’ a tinpot despot! Did ya learn all yer politics from Robespierre, or just the greatest hits? Aiming for yer own little beer hall putsch, Ya NAmBy PuSHOVER!?”

The duck halted and gave a warning honk as our arguing grew more heated. It hissed again, the tunnel causing the sound to reverberate until it felt like being in the center of a leaking blimp.

Our mouths snapped shut. Up close, it was even bigger than I’d first assumed. It had to be at least the size of a moose. And it had claws on the end of its wings, like some kinda freaky feathered raptor!

“I’m willing to let bygones be bygones if we make it out of this alive.” Harmsson said, as he visibly got a handle on his Red Rage. “Gods, I was wondering why everyone was terrified of ducks. What kind of idiot keeps something like this as a pet?”

“Thanks for admitting to that particular crime.” I tutted, doing my best to tamp down my own inner fire. “I’ve been wondering if that was you. Maybe I can stand as a witness at your inevitable trial.”

“Oh, shove off it. We’re about to die, you moron.”

“I’ll be fine. I don’t need ta be faster than the duck, I just need ta be faster’n you old man.”

“If you think you have the Agility, try it.”

The beast resumed its advance as we continued talking, its eyes whirling with an inner ducky madness. It stomped its comically large orange feet in a threatening display, and I couldn’t hold back a snicker of nervous fear. This felt ridiculous; we were about to be eaten by the world’s largest rubber duck.

Harmsson and I continued slowly edging along opposite sides of the tunnel, giving the duck a free path to its eggs. It moved slowly, swinging its long neck from side to side as it kept both of us in view. Then it charged forward between us, settling itself on its nest.

We breathed twin sighs of relief.

Then the bloody thing reared its neck back, and in a moment of inspired action, I ducked as green slime spewed from its throat in a sizzling torrent. I dashed off the wall as a prompt appeared, which I accepted in passing.

*ding!*

New Quest: Duck Danger

You’ve discovered a duck nesting beneath the city of Kinshasa!

Kill it! Don’t die!

Ducks Slain: 0/1

Rewards: Strength + 1

Do you accept?

Yes / No

The stone where I’d been standing smoked and bubbled as the liquid clung to it.

“IT HAS ACID BREATH!?” I gabbled in panic.

In reply, the duck darted at Harmsson, slashing the hooks on its wings at his midsection.

Harmsson jumped back, activating a dodge Ability as his body moved in ways physics didn’t normally allow. The wicked talons raked through the space he’d just been, and the duck screeched with anger.

“HELP ME!!” Harmsson shrieked.

“Swear on Steve Irwin that you won’t run off and stab me in the back?”

“What!? That doesn’t – ! Yes! Whatever! I swear!”

“Then if you’ve got any cards, use them now!” So saying, I pulled out my wand and with desperate strokes stenciled the Sigil for a basic fireball spell. It was significantly harder than working with beer, but my hard work paid off as a basketball sized ball of fire launched at the duck and impacted on its chest, crisping its feathers. It bellowed in anger and turned back to face me.

“[Thad’s Avatar of War]!” Harmsson shouted, and immediately swelled in size, growing to nearly the size of a giant. “[Lesser Battle Cry]!”

Condition Gained: [Lesser Bolstered]!

You have gained the [Lesser Bolstered] Condition!

Your Vitality and Strength both increase by 2!

The duck paused in absolute consternation at its opponent's new size. It was just enough of an opening for Harmsson to shout “[Basic Charge]!” and flash forward, his now gigantic blade aimed at the duck’s neck.

The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

It fluttered out of reach of the sword, then whipped its head around like a mace. Harmsson caught the blow on one arm with a grunt, then punched it back in the face. The duck shook its head with muttered quacking and slashed its wing blindly, this time catching Harmsson on his arm. Blood fountained from the wound and he fell back with a howl of pain. His foot lashed out with a bright light, and the duck’s elephantine body was raised into the air on the massive blow.

As Harmsson retreated, the duck fell back to the ground with a squawk. I took the opportunity to build and fire off another fireball, which impacted the duck in the side of its head, blinding one side.

The duck squawked with pain, then opened its mouth to spew more acid at Harmsson. So, I brought my warhammer down on its large webbed toes with a [Basic Slash]. “FER CRACK AND ANNIE!”

Then I jumped to the side as the duck switched targets and bathed the area near its feet with green slime. It squawked with pain as its toes got an acid bath, and I let out a yelp as some splashed onto my ankle. A chomping beak chased after me, and a prehensile tongue reached out to snag my foot.

Harmsson bellowed, “[Thad’s Interracial Charm]! Look at me!!!”

The duck swung back to look at him with adoring eyes. I took the opportunity to place a nearby sharp piece of wood against the duck’s side.

“[Basic Pick]!” I shouted, and drove the stake into the beast with my hammer.

It reared back, stumbling as blood began pumping from the wound.

“Why do you get all the cool Abilities?” I muttered, moving to flank it while it stumbled about, distracted. I began tracing another Sigil with my wand and swore as the spell failed; I still needed more practice!

Harmsson’s face was pale and sweaty as he wrapped a cloth around the wound on his arm. “You didn’t farm Quests? I’ve Specialized over five times.”

“Just beer ones.” I gasped. “And I’m only taking brewing Specializations.”

“Then it’s your own damn fault.”

The duck gave a long, mournful quack that dropped slowly down the octave. Then its feathers turned red as its eyes switched from black to a burning white. In my horrified imagination, a latin choir started up.

“IT HAS A SECOND PHASE!?” Harmsson cried as literal fire erupted from the duck’s nostrils. The duck roared, sounding more like a dragon than a bloody duck, and blew a stream of fire onto Harmsson. Unlike the acid, the fire came out fast as a bullet, covering him in an instant. Harmsson cried out in pain as his beard caught fire. He careened into the slimy river and did what any educated man on fire would do. Stop, drop, and roll. I winced. The duck took advantage of his distraction to move in for the kill, jumping forward and burying a claw into Harmsson’s chest.

Which gave me the opening I needed. I tossed my weapon and wand aside and jumped onto the duck’s neck. I clamped on with all four limbs and shouted, “NOW HARMSSON!! [FLESH OF STONE]!!”

The duck gave a bewildered quack as my body turned to a stone anchor. Its head fell to the ground with a *clonk*, presenting a long, yellow, juicy target. With a gurgling breath, Harmsson blindly lashed out once, then twice, his blade true.

The duck let out a soundless scream and waddled backwards. It pulled a wing back to strike one last time. I could see it headed for my neck as though in slow motion.

And then it stopped as a glowing pure-white unigoat horn sank into the duck’s breast.

*BAAAHHH!!!* [Translated from Prima Donna Goat] “For Crack and Annie!”

The duck stared down at the goat in a dazed confusion I related to. How was Penelope here? Why was Penelope here??

Then, with a thundering crash, the duck collapsed. Penelope and I barely managed to dodge out of the way as it splashed into the gutter.

*Bing!*

Quest Complete: Duck Danger

Congratulations, you murdered a mama duck!

You monster!

Gained 1 Strength! Your new strength is 18.8!

The fight was over. We’d won.

At a cost.

Harmsson shrank down to normal size again and began grasping blindly at his coat pocket. “Potion” he wheezed through burned lungs. I dug into his pockets, and came up with shards of bloody glass. His clothing flaked away as I adjusted his shirt, and his skin was …

Gods. He should be dead. What was his Vitality!?

He gave a choking laugh. “It’s broken isn’t it. After all that worrying, and this is how it ends. Killed by duck in a sewer. Poetic. And I think there was a goat? Why was there a goat?”

“Shit, oh shit, oh shit. We need ta get you to a [Healer],” I whispered. The gouge on his arm was beginning to bleed through his makeshift bandage.

“Why bother?” He giggled. “With me out of the way, you’ll be home free!”

“Oh come off it! I never even wanted ta win that goddam Game!” I had tears in my eyes as I realized the truth in that statement. I hadn’t thought about the Game in ages. I… had no real plan of going home anymore.

With all my reminiscing, and therapy, and letting go... I’d given up on going back.

Harmsson looked at me with unseeing eyes. “You really mean that… don’t you. You weren’t even trying. HA HA *COUGH–*!!!” He stopped mid-sentence as his body was wracked with coughs.

Penelope waddled up and poked Harmsson with a hoof, then gave him an inquisitive *baaah*.

“Good girl.” He muttered, patting her nose with a trembling hand. “I can *cough* see why the Thirsty Goat was so obsessed with you. A damn *wheeze* better sight than my own Goddess. Bloody bitch left me here to die.”

“Who was it?” I asked. "[Spot Clean]" I leaned him against the now ‘clean’ spot on the wall and sat next to him, staring at the corpse of the once-mighty bird.

“Lunara.” He grumbled. “She said that being old was an advantage. That if I won I could wish for eternal youth, or to become a dragon.”

“Not to go home?”

Harmsson turned an incredulous look my way, and gasped with pain. “AGH! No! Why would I do that when I’m a bloody Lord, and can *gasp* turn into a colossus?”

His voice was weak now.

“What was yer name back on Earth?” I asked, keeping my tone comforting. I tried to channel how my family had talked to me in the hospital back on Earth. This was… really, really, hard. Even though I’d been ready to kill him myself a few minutes ago, I still didn’t wish this on him.

“Thadwick.”

“Ouch.”

“Always hated the bloody thing. Went by Thad all my life. And now this life, such as it was.”

He fell silent, taking heaving breaths, each harder than the last. “I don’t want to die.” He whimpered. “I did it once. I don’t want to do it again. These Erders don’t seem to care, we’ll just reincarnate after all, but I wanted to live this life.”

“I’ll stay here with ya.” I said. “Until the end. As a fellow Earther.”

Harmsson stared blankly at the grimy roof of the cavern. “Can you do me a favour? Tell Viola to boot that wanker Louis Blackbeard in the apricots? He was the one that got me this route, and betrayed our plans to the council. And tell Lord Newcastle to pry that pickaxe out of his arse. And tell Adina I’m… I’m sorry.”

I felt my eyebrow being tugged upwards. “‘”Yer really askin’ me for favours? After what you did today? I don't even know half those people.”

“Please, Pete? I - I’ll make it up to you somehow. Put a good word in for the Gods on my way out, or something.”

I sighed and scratched the back of my head. “I get it. I’ll tell ‘em, and I’ll even boot Blackbeard in the balls myself if I can.” I could be magnanimous and forgive a dying man, right? Heck, I’d sack Blackbeard just for the heck of it.

Tears fell down Harmsson’s blackened cheeks. “I did put Ambermine on you. I’m sorry. You were beating me at the Game, and I just – *cough* I wish I could go back and do it all again. If I only had more time. There’s so much good in this country, but I got so caught up on winning. Damn Lunara!” With that exclamation, he went silent again, his eyes fluttering closed.

A few more minutes passed in pained wheezing. Eventually, I just had to ask. “Hey, you've been dyin’ fer quite a while now… yer not playin’ me, right?”

Harmsson peeked one eye open blearily. “*Cough* Asshole. Have some respect.”

“No, I’m good, thanks.”

“HA! Ow! I – I can’t feel my legs anymore. I guess… I guess it’s Karma. I was always meant to die…” His head drooped and I had to keep him from slumping over.

But what he’d said niggled something in my mind and I activated [Flash of Insight], then jumped to my feet. “Karma!!!”

“Whuzzat?” Harmsson twitched and Penelope bleated angrily.

I looked at Harmsson with wild eyes. “You’re not fated to die today! I need you to take the fall for the beerfest incident!”

His voice dripped with what little irony remained in his body. “That’ll be a … hard … do as … charred corpse.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it! If I can save you, will you help deal with the fallout? And promise not to try to kill me anymore?”

“... bloody oath….” Harmsson was barely audible, and his head drooped. It was now or never.

“I’m going to assume that means yes.”

*Bing!*

[Karmic Reversal]

Reverse the fate of [Thad Harmsson]?

Fate will resume its course in one day.

Do you accept?

Yes/No

—

They found us three hours later, as I led a complaining Penelope with Harmsson tied to her back. Harmsson was alive, but unconscious.

Balin led the way, his [Party Finder] leading team Starshine straight to us. His golden armor was like a halo as he came sprinting down the tunnel; Balin of Goldenlight indeed.

I fell into his arms and passed out.